Dating can make you uncomfortable, and I think you should lean into that.
I think there’s a big misconception that somehow, if you do enough inner work, you will then somehow be healed enough from whatever baggage you carry that you won’t feel “triggered” by the people you date. This is absolute bullshit. The only thing I can think of that is MORE triggering than opening your heart to a new person is opening your heart to a new person you birthed.
After a few months off, I am dating again, and that means my heart is open, and I am experiencing the uncomfortable whether I like it or not. One thing that I often struggle with is texting and phone calls – I don’t actually want someone to text me constantly or call me fifty-leven times a day, but I also sometimes overreact to being left on read or not being called when things come up. I know rationally that virtual communication doesn’t make up the entirety of a relationship, but when I feel insecure or vulnerable for other reasons, I forget that texting isn’t everything and look for more evidence that this isn’t working out.
I sat with that discomfort this week and asked myself, what’s the real issue if not the missed contact? Sitting with the question and trying on different answers in my journal brought me to this realization:
“Being left on read, not being called when someone says they will, triggers a very sensitive part of me that was repeatedly let down at other times in her life. It makes me feel like I am not important. I understand the difference between asking for too much and simply being a person who matters, who deserves attention, even though I struggle to advocate for myself in this space.”
The truth is, when I don’t get the call or feel like I’ve been waiting just a little too long for a reply, I feel about 6 years old again, showing up to be recognized for an award or participate in something, and in that same moment, looking at the crowd to see that my parents didn’t make it, again. And I know if I ask about it when I get home, they’ll tell me they’re really sorry, that they couldn’t make it from work, but that they love me and that they’re so proud of me. And somewhere along the line, my little mind decided that since they love me and are proud of me and would’ve been there if they could, am I ungrateful for wanting more? It’s also hard for me to say if I stopped telling them about things because I knew they couldn’t come; was it because they were working, or did my childhood ADHD mean I kept forgetting to tell them in time to make arrangements? I can’t remember, probably both, but I know I stopped asking sometime in elementary school because I didn’t want to be disappointed anymore. The adult version of me knows that a kid wanting their parents to show up isn’t ungrateful. It’s normal. But that little girl still lives in my nervous system, and she feels a different kind of pain and fear when someone doesn’t show up when they say they will.
I don’t feel safe asking for attention if the person I want attention from is doing something I have decided is more important than me, like working or taking care of other loved ones who need them more. And I know this isn’t going to magically go away if I find someone who calls or texts me more; I have to learn to be okay asking for attention, because it’s insane to think everyone on Earth is going to show up day 1 knowing what I need to feel secure in a relationship. More consistency and more attention from the person I’m dating isn’t going to heal the parts of me that feel stupid, silly, or unsafe for being a human who likes attention and care.
Over the coming weeks and months, I might still find that the way this new person communicates isn’t enough for me to feel secure in a relationship. But I owe it to myself to sit with the uncomfortable feelings instead of immediately reacting to them. And let me be clear: sitting with that reaction isn’t about forcing yourself to tolerate behavior that makes you unhappy or is legitimate disrespect. It’s about figuring out whether the feeling is about this person in this moment, or something deeper and older that’s being activated.
Sometimes it’s both. Making space for those reactions in dating means pausing long enough to ask and answer:
- What am I actually feeling right now?
- What does this remind me of?
- Is this about today, or about something much older?
- What would asking for what I need actually look like?
It’s also important to reiterate: texting and/or phone calls are not the only measures of a strong relationship, and I know that when I am secure and feel safe. There is something about my current dating situation where I don’t feel fully secure yet, so I’m reaching for texts and phone calls as a way to regulate myself. I dated a guy last year who texted me from the minute he woke up to the minute he went to bed, and while that was kind of fun in some ways, it was also weird – don’t you have a life and a job to attend to? This constant contact also meant that when we broke up, it left a massive gap in my life that would never have been created if we were communicating healthily.
Maybe this one will work out. Maybe it won’t – I don’t know yet. Dating can make you uncomfortable because closeness, coupled with two people trying to learn each other, is bound to bring some things up from the deep. I don’t want to run from every uncomfortable feeling, and I don’t want to ignore what doesn’t feel right either. Right now, I’m trying to slow down and pay enough attention to know the difference.
