I recently posted a video about being a “get it on the calendar” friend:
The point of the video was pretty simple: I do not have trouble maintaining relationships with people because I am a get it on the calendar friend. If someone sends me a reel of something that looks cute, I’m probably going to say, “cool, when are we going?” If someone says we should hang out, I’m going to say, “yeah, okay, when are we doing that?”
Because we all know if it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t exist.
And for the most part, I stand by that. I think adult friendships require a level of intentionality that a lot of people are uncomfortable admitting. We like to romanticize the effortless friendship. The kind where you magically stay close without anyone ever making a plan, sending the text, picking the place, checking the calendar, or following through to maintain the relationship.
People with close adult friendships know – relationships of any kind do not survive on vibes and ideas alone.
People have jobs. People have partners. People are pregnant and have kids. People have dogs and errands and routines and nervous systems that are already doing their best most days. If you want to see people, somebody usually has to be willing to turn “we should hang out soon” into “are you free next Thursday?”
I am very often that person. And I love being that person. My love language is being considered and prioritized, and seeing a calendar full of prearranged plans with my friends makes me feel important for the time they’ve carved out of their future lives to spend with me.
But someone left a comment on the original video that added a really important layer to the conversation:
“What if you are always that person and tired and need it reciprocated sometimes?”
I am glad someone brought this up because this is the part that makes being the planner friend complicated and sometimes thankless if you don’t have good personal boundaries.
Because it doesn’t feel good when you’ve been enjoying the role you naturally play in your friendships and then realize you have accidentally become the entire infrastructure of the relationship. It feels awful to not know whether you’re the person who gets the plan started or if you’ve become the only reason the friendship continues to exist.
There is a difference between being thoughtful and being taken for granted. I can’t answer that for you, but I can tell you how I navigate being a “get it on the calendar” friend without letting that part of my personality drain me.
Sometimes people are just going to disappoint you.
I don’t mean that in a dramatic, “everyone is terrible” kind of way. I mean it in a grounded, annoying, deeply human way.
People are allowed to do whatever they want with their free will. They are allowed to not be as proactive as you. They are allowed to be bad at planning. They are allowed to be in a season where they do not have much capacity. They are allowed to enjoy being invited more than they enjoy initiating.
But the other side of that is also true: you are allowed to be disappointed by it and to want more from people you call a friend.
You are allowed to notice that you are always the one making the reservation, sending the reminder, finding the event, coordinating the time, checking in, following up, and keeping the friendship alive. And you are allowed to decide that you do not want to keep doing that at the same level forever.
One of the things I said in my response video is that if you want more people to reciprocate your effort as a calendar friend, a planner friend, or a get it on the calendar friend, sometimes that means expanding who you are inviting to things.
I think this part matters, because sometimes we get stuck trying to make the same people show up differently, when there are other people out there who would be genuinely excited to meet us halfway.
That does not mean you have to discard everyone who is not naturally a planner. I don’t think every friendship has to be perfectly 50/50 in every category all the time. Some people are not going to plan the picnic, but they will bring the snacks. Some people are not going to find the event, but they will show up on time and be fully present. Some people are not going to initiate as often, but they will make you feel deeply loved once you are together.
Different friendships serve different purposes.
My life and my friendships are the way they are because I have spent a lot of time curating a group of friends that allows me to be myself, shows up for me, and serves different parts of my life. That did not happen overnight… I’d say I’ve been doing this since I was 20, and I’m 32 now.
I have spent years playing the game of trial and error and opening myself for disappointment by inviting people and seeing who actually came.
I notice who seems excited to be included and who makes me feel like I was begging for their attention. And then I move accordingly.
It took learning that one friend does not have to be everything, and one group does not have to meet every need. I have so many friends now that I have to celebrate my birthday for a whole month just to be able to see everyone, which is the greatest problem to have!
That is part of why I think expanding your circle matters. Just like increasing your opportunities for luck by putting yourself out there, making plans with an expanded group of people increases your chances of meeting someone who says yes to plans and shows up like they promised they would.
And sometimes, that really is the whole thing. Not everyone has to be your best friend. Not everyone has to become part of your inner Board of Directors.
It is enough to find more people who will say yes to the walk, the craft night, the trivia night, the coffee, the movie, the book club, the little thing you wanted to do but didn’t want to do alone.
The other thing I think planner friends have to learn is when to step back.
I said in the video that sometimes it is okay to plan less and let plans fall through so people can see your value. I understand that might be petty, but I don’t really care. Sometimes people do need to feel absence of the tangible value of what you bring to a relationship if they can’t just see it by enjoying it.
So sometimes you stop – Not as a test. Not as a manipulation. Not as a punishment.
You deserve relationships that can survive your rest.
Just because you are the planner friend does not mean you need to burn yourself out being yourself.
There is nothing wrong with being the person who gets things on the calendar. There is nothing wrong with being the friend who thinks ahead, sends the link, buys the tickets, remembers the thing, and makes the plan real.
That is a beautiful quality.
But a beautiful quality can still be overused – by yourself and by others.
Pay attention to the people who may not initiate exactly the way you do, but still make you feel valued, considered, and wanted. And pay attention to when you’re the one draining yourself by staying in situations where you aren’t appreciated properly.
Wrap it up sister!
You do not have to stop being the “get it on the calendar” friend. *I* do not want to stop being the planner friend. I love that part of myself. I like that I notice things, remember things, think of people, and make life feel a little more possible by putting something real on the calendar.
But I also think planner friends have to learn that being good at something does not mean you have to do it for everyone, all the time, forever.
Some people will appreciate the way you make plans happen and make you feel loved in return, even if they show it differently than you do. Some people will never initiate the way you wish they would, but they will still show up with enough consistency, care, and presence that the relationship feels worth maintaining.
And some people will let you exhaust yourself because it benefits them to have someone else managing the connection.
Keep being the person who gets it on the calendar, but pay attention to who respects your invitations. Pay attention to who shows up. Pay attention to who follows through. Pay attention to who makes you feel like your effort is welcomed, not expected.
And when you are tired, rest.
Let some plans fall through. Let some people miss you. Let some relationships reveal what they are without your constant maintenance holding them together.
You deserve friendships that can survive your rest. You deserve to be invited too. You deserve people who see the effort it takes to be thoughtful, intentional, and consistent, and do not treat your spirit and effort like an endless resource.
Being the get it on the calendar friend is a beautiful thing.
Just make sure you are putting your energy on the calendars of people who are happy to make room for you too.
