It’s the tail end of Halloweekend, and I’m thinking about ghosts – the ones that I handed out candy to last night and ghosting in dating.
It finally happened to me!
A few weeks ago, I realized I hadn’t heard from a guy I’d been seeing. We’d gone on three dates, and our last one (the Cartel concert in Phoenix, Elder Emo’s let’s ride) was a blast. It felt easy, fun, and it turned out we had a ton of music tastes in common. The night ended with him asking, “When can I see you this week?” and me saying, “I’ve got a lot on my plate, but Saturday should work.”
Then… nothing.
I had a new job starting and a full calendar, so I texted once about our tentative plans, didn’t get a reply, and went back to my life. A few days later, I realized that I had been officially ghosted for the first time. I didn’t even get that’s what it was until I saw someone’s “dating wrapped” post on Threads talking about their stats for the year.
And honestly? I don’t like the term and will not be using it.
What’s scarier – ghosting or actual incompatibility?
“Ghosting” makes it sound mysterious or haunting, like you’re being haunted by someone’s absence. But no one’s haunting me – they just stopped texting. Calling it ghosting gives the situation and the person more power and drama than they deserve.
Here’s how I see it: dating is about finding someone you’re genuinely compatible with long-term. If someone chooses to stop talking to me instead of sending a two-minute text to end things respectfully, that’s not on me; that’s them choosing the easy way out to not close a door properly, probably so they can inevitably go “Hey, how’ve you been!” in a few weeks, months, or years.
We have to stop using ghosting in dating to avoid communicating like adults.
I’m going to hold your hand when I say this – It’s okay not to be a match for everyone you date. What’s not okay is acting like silence is kindness. The avoidance culture we’ve built around tiptoeing around everyone’s feelings in dating (all the “not feeling a connection” and “the timing’s off” language) has made us allergic to straightforward communication. We’re so worried about hurting feelings that we end up saying nothing at all.
Maybe he thought we weren’t aligned on what we wanted out of life. Maybe he didn’t like that I kept letting go of his hand at the concert to film clips for my social media. Either way, those are valid preferences – for him. They don’t make me wrong, and they don’t make him wrong either. They just make us mismatched. And mismatched doesn’t exempt anyone from respect.
So no, I won’t be adopting the term ghosting in dating. I’ll keep calling it what it is: a lack of communication and respect that is truly the bare minimum from any man or woman, which is making the dating pool have pee in it.
