Turning 30 hit me hard…
Like many people, my 30th birthday came with some big feelings. I think it was rather silly of me to think that I was going to avoid the big feelings after doing absolutely no work to that end.
I didn’t realize it until it was too late, but I had a lot of (tbh, unrealistic) expectations for myself on this milestone birthday, and it hurt a lot to wake up that day and realize a lot of things in my life aren’t where I want them to be, and that this is 100% my doing. The good news is that I am motivated by spite, and am now deeply committed to the promise that I will not wake up feeling that way at 31.
Who am I again?
I had to accept that I kind of don’t know who I am anymore - I know for sure I am not the lazy, undisciplined, boring girl that I have been for the past few years. I turned my autoimmune disorder diagnosis into my very first blog at 20 because “obstacles be damned” was my main personality trait. I mean, seriously, I used to run Spartan Races for fun and had an entire amateur modeling career at one point not all that long ago. I used to be so fun, so powerful, and so sure I could do anything. The Elle Woods quote “What, like it’s hard?” was the energy I brought to the table in my early 20s and I loved that about myself.
And then I just kept being dealt shitty or just really jarring hands of cards. After my celiac disease diagnosis, my relationship fell apart and I didn't learn what I needed to about myself, so now 10 years later I'm having the same fights but with someone else because I'm not healed. In 2015, I got laid off and began a years-long period of financial stress because guess who is financially illiterate? Me.
Then, physically, I would spend the next few years having major health event after another - a traumatic experience with an IUD, a hip repair that cost me nearly a year of my normal life, followed by ADHD and autism diagnoses amidst a global pandemic where I learned the hard way that I don’t have a normal immune system anymore. Forgive me for being a little gun-shy on life, it’s been rough, to say the least!
I am giving myself a lot of grace while figuring out what my “What, like it’s hard?” energy looks like now that I’m a little older and a lot wiser. In many ways, I think I have all of the potential to be more powerful than ever before if I can relearn not to be afraid to take risks.
What if I did things my way?
The dumbest thing I could do right now is to keep doing everything the same way I always have - I have grown and changed in ways I haven’t fully unpacked and therefore can benefit from trying new things and changing my perspective.
One new thing is that I now know I am living with a neurosparkly brain, which goes a long way toward explaining why some conventional pieces of advice were always a bad fit for me. I am enjoying trying a ton of new things and figuring out what energizes me.
Do No Harm but Take No Shit - The Soft Girl Era's Bitch Year
I have worn toughness and strength as identity badges of honor for years and you know what? I’ve gotten so comfortable being uncomfortable that I barely know how to live the softer life I want to live. One of my new favorite podcast hosts Melanie Fiona has a great clip about this:
When I heard this it made me cry because I realized I don’t want to be so fucking strong all the time. I would love to have a life where I feel able to BE soft - I’m working on being softer and kinder with myself so that I have a better idea of how to go about asking for this type of treatment from people around me. I also am glad that I will have NO problem putting my bitch boots on to protect my softness when I have to!
Leaning Into the Good & Doing the Work
I sat down at the beginning of this year and hashed out what it would look like if I really had my shit together, and then worked out the areas of my life that I needed to improve and nurture to get there.
I have been so guilty of doing only surface-level self care for the past few years - face masks are cool and all but doing the real work is even cooler. I found an awesome therapist about a year and a half ago and did the work last year to set up my FSA to cover a certain amount of appointments for 2024. I told you I was learning financial literacy!
I am consciously making time to spend with people who fill my cup and with whom I have such a good time with that I completely forget to check my phone for hours. I’m really lucky that I started going to Thrive Coworking when I did - in the 3 months since I started going there I have made some great friends after being in a little friend-making hiatus for a few years.
I don’t know if I will return to running Spartan Races at the level I once did, but post hip surgery and coming out of this fog I do feel ready to become a fit girl again. My dog is also overweight, which makes me feel awful, but is also a fantastic example of how inactive I have been. He and I are going to be spending a lot more time outside this year, for our health.
Small choices have a huge impact - cliche but true.
If you’re going through a period like this, I think it’s really important to amplify what puts you in a good space and minimize what’s not serving you. This seems so obvious, but when I applied this emotional housekeeping to my listening material I felt like I started to level up even faster.
That’s a fancy way of saying I still enjoy a good murder podcast, but I have all but given up listening to that kind of material.
Now - I pretty much only listen to female-led podcasts, many of which are led by women of color, and that focus on positive things like life advice, money, relationships, and just funny storytelling. This change in the energetic makeup of what I listen to is really improving my outlook on life, and I’m learning some great tools to build the life I’m going to love to live.
I hope this is the last post I ever write like this.
For the last time (fingers crossed) I forgot how cool I was in the face of being way too absorbed in my relationship. I like my partner, but I need to remember I should love me more and always focus on myself first. I am rebuilding my social media presence and blog, which is why you’re here reading this!
I have always believed that the best lifestyle blog and social media presence can only come from living whatever lifestyle you’re trying to document. I can’t wait to capture this whirlwind traveling, social media shenanigans, fun with friends, and family life I am going to live next year!
